10 Comments

A New Pitch

My great friend and crit partner, Elizabeth Sogard entered a Pitch contest recently at http://passionatereads.com/2011/10/08/pitch-contest-round-1-the-polls-are-open/. This inspired me to rethink Messy Death’s pitch. Today, I’m presenting you with two options. The first is Messy Death’s original blurb. The second is my new and improved version. Please, let me know which one you like better.

Here goes…

Number One: Messy Death takes place three centuries into the future. Here, the paranormal are as normal as humans and people can’t remember a time when creepy crawlies lived in the closet instead of next door. Vira Silk is head of a crime scene clean-up crew. During a ‘sweep’ she comes across a perfume bottle that shouldn’t exist. Her wayward ex, Latimer Nator, gave her the identical fragrance months before claiming he’d had it made especially for her. When she sees it in the home of a wealthy murder victim, Vira realizes her ex was a big fat liar. That scent wasn’t “one of a kind,” and neither was she. To deal with the heartache of being made a fool, Vira throws herself into her work which isn’t hard since that’s been the sum total of her life since Latimer stopped coming around. When Vira finds another perfume bottle at yet another murder scene, she gets more than a little anxious. Pretty soon, Vira’s world is turned upside down. With the help of a Paranormal Police Detective and a Mist by the name of Rally, Vira will try to uncover the plot behind these messy deaths without becoming one of them.

Now…

Number Two: Vira Silk is not a social person. Her job as a crime scene clean-up specialist demands detachment which suits her skill set just fine. Three centuries into the future, Paranormal beings are as prevalent as humans. They live, love, work and kill alongside them, so the fact that Vira fell for one is not surprising. The fact that he gave her a unique perfume, implied a proposal than took off really was. Things have been hard for Vira ever since, but life is getting even harder now that she’s slept with a co-worker, nearly drowned, inadvertently discovered a connection between her and two dead women all while becoming a target herself. Now, with the help of a yummy Fey detective, some equally steamy CSCU member and a Mist named Rally, Vira must uncover the plot behind these messy deaths without becoming one of them.

Which one peaks your interest more?

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10 comments on “A New Pitch

  1. There are elements of both that I really enjoy! You are good at what you do!

  2. I much prefer the second pitch. The statement about the protagonist strikes me as the better opening, and the rest of the paragraph sounds like it gets to the actual plot points faster than the first.
    A few suggestions:

    “The fact that he gave her a unique perfume, implied a proposal[,] then [not “than”] took off really was.” — and for clarity’s sake, it might help me personally if you connected this sentence and the preceding one with a semicolon; it took me a few read-throughs to figure out *what*, exactly, “really was”.

    “… Nearly drowned, [and] inadvertantly discovered a connection between her and two dead women[,] all while becominf a target herself.”

    “…Some equally steamy CSCU member[,]…” — I’d change “some” to “an”, just so my mind doesn’t expect a plural.

    That’s all that jumps out at me. Happy pitch revision!

  3. Jennifer – while the 1st one contains the same basic information, the second one is much tighter, less fluff, more gripping and with a stronger voice. Just my half dollar’s worth 🙂

  4. I like the second one best. I found it to be smoother and pulled me in faster.

  5. I vote for the second one also:)

  6. I like both of them but if i have to choose, i’d say the second.

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